In that my post on “Witnessing to Dispensationalists” was so popular, I thought we might re-visit the humor department. Not that dispensationalism is laughable — it actually causes me to cry a lot. Normally, my crying doesn’t occur until I look at the New York Times best-seller list and see it crowded with dispensational fiction books. Indeed, that is why I stopped subscribing to the NY Times — in addition to the fact that I live 800 miles away from New York (the “movie showings” section was not helpful to me at all).
Several blog readers sent me emails suggesting that I give some insights into how to recognize a dispensationalist. This, they thought, might help them in their quest to seek them out for an “intellectual” (I use the term loosely) encounter. Attempting an intellectual discussion with a dispensationalist is a lot like saddling a giraffe: It is a whole lot of trouble and there’s not much point in it. (This is why you never see me riding a giraffe through the neighborhood.)
So then how can you recognize a dispensationalist? Jeff Foxworthy has developed one of the most useful psychological profiling systems for determining a person’s identity. So I will follow his well-argued principles and apply them to the task at hand. I will even apply them personally to you, my reader, just in case you fear you may be succumbing yourself (out of saddness that you are never invited to Rapture parties).
You Might Be a Dispensationalist IF:
If you like to chew gum constantly so that your ears won’t pop in case of the Rapture.
If you subscribe to the newspaper simply to keep up with biblical prophecy.
If you always leave the top down on your convertible — just in case.
If bar code scanners make you nervous.
If you have been a Christian for less than one year and you have already studied through the Book of Revelation twelve times.
If you attend a church that sings as a Christian hymn the 1960s pop song “Up, Up and Away.”
If you think general revelation is the Commander-in-Chief of the armies of Armageddon.
If you can name more dispensations than commandments.
If you forget your wife’s birthday, but you know the latest predicted date for the Rapture.
If you have already forgotten the last date predicted for the Rapture but you are excited about the most recent prediction, confident that “this is it!”
If you are a book collector and you long to locate a copy of The Late Great Planet Earth in the original Greek.
If you believe that the term “Early Church Fathers” refers to J. N. Darby, C. I. Scofield and Lewis Sperry Chafer.
If you would like a copy of Hal Lindsey’s personal study Bible with penciled in corrections.